How to Be a Hero:
Rule number 1. Shove your healing friend out of her wheelchair, or at least try.
Rule number 2. When you can’t think of a good response to someone’s insults, out them. Bonus points for doing that in a crowded school hall. Extra points if someone in the hallway turns around and hears distinctively what you just said.
Rule number 3. Proceed to say how afraid you are that the friend you outed might die. Because you’re a sensitive hero.
Rule number 4. Sing a song to said outed friend to cheer them up during a hard time. Pick the song with taste, and tact.
Rule number 5. Feed your vegan girlfriend meat. It will show how thoughtful you are: people need proteins to stay healthy.
Rule number 6. If you want to dump your girlfriend after you urged her to cheat on her former boyfriend to be with you, do it right after a funeral, in a car. Because you realized how much you love someone else right over that funeral. She looks so pretty when she cries…
Rule number 7. Always pick popularity/reputation over anything and anyone. Especially if it’s your brother or your girlfriend.
Rule number 8. If your girlfriend and your brother are sitting right beside you at the same table, rant about how you have nothing special in your life. Someone will sing a song about how great you are in slow motion soon, don’t you worry.
Rule number 9. Man, that song was awesome! So awesome I wanna marry that girl! If you feel this way, proceed to propose to your girlfriend. Be sure to mention your first date - which actually happened as you were still with pregnant Quinn but whatever -, and to mention how she’s the most important part of your life - you did just say you have nothing special in your life, yes, but just keep yourself interesting won’t you - and if she loves you for the rest of your life you’re going to be ok. Super ok. Be sure to pressure her afterwards, that will show her how much you want to marry her. Mmmh, smell that? Smells like desperation.
Rule number 10. Call your future wife ‘sad clown hooker’ again, and again, and again, for the rest of her life. You told her once, she’ll get used to it and her face will be priceless. Ah! Don’t forget: you don’t need to listen to anything she says.
Feel free to add your own! Being a hero is awesome!
I’m confused about number 10 but, anyway…
Rule number 11: Vow to protect your friend/future step-brother from bullying and months later, when he’s enduring the worst bullying he’s ever had and his friend and your girlfriend asks you to do something about it, tell her your popularity is more important than his safety and happiness. Only step up to support him with a showy song and dance when your leadership positioned is threatened by another boy.
Rule number 12: If you’re uncomfortable with a gay boy’s crush on you, yell homophobic slurs in his face.
Rule number 13a: If a straight boy challenges your leadership position, be sure to sabotage his happy relationship by convincing his girlfriend to cheat on him with you in order to demoralize him so he won’t have the spirit to give you any competition. Later accuse him of helping said girl cheat on YOU with him, citing your own assistance in her previous infidelity as perfectly good reason to accuse him.
Rule number 13b: If a gay boy challenges your leadership, and/or if you feel threatened by his talent, leaving you unable to seduce away his significant other in order to demoralize him, you need to take a different approach. Constantly dismiss and undermine his contributions to the group, insult his ideas and thoughts and later claim them as your own, and when he finally snaps after months of your rude behavior, give him a lecture about team work.
Rule number 14: Every time one of your girlfriends is angry with you, dismiss her as “crazy” rather than respecting her feelings.
Rule number 15: Tell a gay boy that being at all associated with him is akin to social suicide and that he’s inappropriate and creepy for trying to get to know someone he’s attracted to. Discourage the object of his interest from associating with him, all while claiming that you’re not homophobic, it’s just the world around you!
Rule number 17: Right after your fiance’s dreams go up in flames and she’s completely devastated, run for prom royalty with your ex-girlfriend, despite how much it hurts and upsets your fiance. Blame both girls and call them both selfish when it all blows up in your face.
Rule number 16: Tell your girlfriend that you understand her dreams come first (the condition for you getting back together), and also promise to move to New York with her after graduation. Later renege on your promise and make her feel guilty and call her selfish for prioritizing her dreams over your sudden desire to move to LA and ogle cougars.
Rule number 17: Ignore your fiance’s desires and right to decide her own life, mislead her into thinking you’re taking her to her wedding but take her to the train station instead and break up with her and tell her to go to New York while she has a panic attack at this romantic surprise. Tell her to surrender to what you think is best for her, and that these decisions are not up to her. As the man, you need to guide your woman through life! Be sure to gather all her friends at the train station and have her parents waiting for her in New York so she’ll feel pressured to get on the train, despite having decided to wait a year before going to New York. Running alongside the train dramatically will totally make this seem less horrible.